A painful procedure to discover pain still spreading
Prescribed a few more pills
And pain still present
Frustrating
News of blood clot in headlines breaking
Such news
Breaking news
Bloody news
As I look down at my right leg
Dressed and beautifully bandaged
With her white cloak and bloody spots
She steals glances at her spotless twin
“You’re beautiful and raw
And I will be same soon
Pray for me that I do not rot
Pray that I get back to raw
For hidden within this pain is a seed of renewal called life”
INSPIRATION: Purely emotions and thoughts as I looked down at my right leg 3days after being burnt with hot water whiles doing my chores at home. I give glory and thanks to God that even though I tripped and fell off the stairs, I didn't break a bone and I still have my leg although it left a scar.
E...
Easy your name sounds
Weighty to him who knows what I mean
Should I just say this
Should I play round the words ... E...
Possessing a white man's name
Yet beautifully black as I
Should I just say this
Should I play round the words
E
November 11th
Worth remembering
Should I just say this
Should I play round the words
E...
Falling in love will be murder
I guess growing in love will be better
Am I saying this Am I playing with the words
E...
Let me say the words
Don't let me play with the words
I wanna tell you these words
These words that I can't say
These words that breathe in my ink
These words that make me... us anew...
I need not tell you how blessed you are to be alive, need I? I need not tell you how pretty or beautiful you to believe it, need I? Oh! I guess you only love hearing it over and over. Well, I actually didn't want to, but writing it just did... Oops... this ink!
The first day someone told me, "wow! You're such a writer..." my response was "ok" [whiles giggling]. I didn't know why I did that. I guess it's because I didn't believe it... it's because I saw it as a HUGE THING... /smiles/. But amazingly, I found myself writing all the time. Not weird...
Then it started feeling deep... personal... different... I couldn't just write about anything anymore... I could only be inspired by my emotions. Now, that was HUGE. Yes, I read Literature in Junior High School but this felt so different. It felt so... different! The pen's now my 2nd bff cos someway somehow, my own writing inspires me, chastises me and empowers me to get me going.
In growing up, I settled singing in God's house was my only department in God's business. Now, I know of another. Writing. Hmmm... It's not easy. Multitasking, I mean. But c'mon, this is God's business we're talking about. It's as if I've got an option, I don't... Well, maybe I have but I choose not to even consider it. At church one Sunday, my youth pastor said during his session, "look at these twins, Curtis and Patricia. I see them and I see 5-talented people..." I started to wonder, how did he see what he saw? What did he actually see? What is he talking about? For some reason, instantly it felt heavy. Don't know how my brother felt though...
Take this: I may not have unveiled all my talents but I'm aware of 2. Are you? What are you doing about it? Do you think God will be satisfied with what you're doing now with what you have? God wouldn't look at you empty handed and give you a task. No! Even the hands you see are useful in his house. Ask yourself, how many lives have I inspired? How many souls have I saved? How many times has God smiled at me?
He's coming like wildfire. Don't live your life as if nothing is at stake. The things you're doing now can't be compared to those you don't know yet cos you haven't tried. When you get to a foreign land, I bet your inquisitive nature stirs up, pushing you so hard to explore and get to know anywhere... everywhere. Why can't you do so here? Why are you so stuck to one thing... To one place...
You've been resting for too long. As for me, I think my brain's had enough rest.
I arrived at the Kotoka International Airport around 8pm on Friday. The first thing i did was take in a deep breath of the fresh, authentic, pollution free Ghanaian air. My, was it refreshing! Having lived in Brookly, Lower Manhattan, New York all my life [I wish! hehe...] all I have ever heard of Ghana were stories told to me my Ghanaian mother Naa Momo and my American dad, Drew Anderston who had married my mother in Ghana during a brief period of study before returning to New York with her before I was born. Making my way down the tarmac to the reception of the airport, I felt a huge nostalgic sense of fulfillment being in my country of origin at last.
I was looking forward for an opportunity compelling enough to pull me away from the legal secretariat job at Oaks and Johns Law firm and thrust me right into Ghana. Kwesi Barnes was that opportunity. I met him working on a case for my firm in Texas and we immediately established a cordial connection. Fortuitously, he was also in Manhattan and it was not long before our relationship graduated into a romantic one. Six months later, Kwesi popped the question and I agreed to us getting married. I squealed in delight when he added that he would like us to get married, in Ghana! Now, here I was, walking into the airport, my fiance and his family coming into sight. How I had missed him!
He had arrived a week before me to make preparations and seeing him now, a flurry of emotions engulfed me. I jumped into his arms and locked his lips in a long, wet, passionate kiss. Oblivious of the presence of his mother, father and aunts, I was jolted back to reality by the questioning, disapproving glances they shot at me. "uptight, aren't they?", I whispered to Kwesi on our way back to his house in Tema. At the car park, I received more of the same when I insisted that I was gonna spend the weekend in Kwesi's house than with his family in their family house. As uncomfortable as it was, I stuck to my guns... I usually do.I had not seen my love in a long while and I would be damned if any 'proper' family conduct was going to prevent that.
On Saturday evening, an event occurred that which proved to be the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I had decided to give Kwesi a 'treat' and so just before he was supposed to arrive from work, I put out all the lights in the house, lit up some candles, changed into some sexy Victorian Secret lingerie and lay down on my sofa, waiting to surprise my sweet black, Ghanaian hunk.
When I heard the click of the door opening, I adjusted into a sexy, lewd position. To my utter disgust, in walked Kwesi, but with his parents! The tension that filled the room could be literally cut with a knife. Excusing myself, I shamefully tripped into the bedroom to change and even before I left, the reprimand had started.
Apparently, from my arrival, complaints had started circling among my reception party. Complaints ranging from me not being respectful, polite, courteous or God-fearing. It was there that it dawned on me, it was a whole different culture; a whole different environment. And in this country, this culture, kissing my fiance in front of his family meant I was impolite, an unashamed woman; my insistence on living in his house before we were married meant I had no scruples and God knows what being found sprawled out in my lingerie meant!
I had learnt my lesson and with heartfelt apologies, promised to behave in a more circumspect manner. I remembered now, what my mother said right I left, "...remember, this is Ghana oo..."
There comes a time in the life of a Christian when almost everything doesn’t seem to go right; at least that’s how it seems. It’s natural that the Christian feels humanly frustrated especially when issues are hitting him from all sides… school, home, work, friends, finances, relationships, choices etc… when all he can do about the situation is just pray. But that human sense yearns for something tangible beyond his faith to assure him all is well but then all he can do is pray and wait upon the Lord. I felt no different that night. I don’t know how it all started, but suddenly all my challenges flooded my head, then everything around me that minute seemed so not right and any friend I tried contacting was either busy or couldn’t attend to me… I needed someone to talk to yet no one was there… Then I didn’t even feel like talking to anyone anymore… the feeling was itchy and uncomfortable, hadn’t felt that before. I tried to calm down for a while but then the neighborhood was so noisy and I was feeling so uneasy because I couldn’t get hold of myself. I took a long walk... a very long walk… hmmm. Afterward, I returned to my apartment to relax and sleep. Then I started to pray while uncontrollably crying my worries out… then I slept off.
God spoke to me in a dream and I never realized it until I woke up to reflect on it. The dream was amazing… one I’ve never experienced. I mostly experience series of dreams before morning but this was just one time. I slept about 9:30pm and woke up about 5am. I’m doing my best by using close to appropriate words to describe that experience. It was like watching a documentary with me in it, yet not seeing the narrator. Likewise, it was like a one-on-one sermon. Coming to think of it, why did God not talk to me about something rare, or prophesy, why this? Why tithing? This is a summary of my dream:
“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it” Malachi 3:10.
Tithing is not just a whole one tenth of your income but the first and best of the one tenth of your income or earnings. If you take out some part of your income and later cut out one tenth, it is not tithe. Just like taxes, it’s extracted before you get to spend, save or do whatever you want to do with your earnings. The narrator made references to the day I had an unnecessary argument with my mother about tithes. My argument was that I’m not a worker. She told me I didn’t need to be a worker to give God his money else I am being selfish with my money and being disobedient. Again, He took me back to the day when my mother asked if I was being honest with my tithes. She explained that the only way by which I can manage my finances is when I’m honest with my tithes. I couldn’t comprehend but the dream made it clear. After that scene, I was taken to the moments when I actually wasn’t honest with my tithes and had issues with my finances. It was as clear as crystal.
The narrator in my dream told me something that actually struck me. He said that He does everything for us and doesn’t ask much in return but just a whole tenth of our income, the same money he gives, He puts us to the test by asking for a little amount and even when given to Him, are accompanied with treasures and immeasurable blessings. God tests our responsibility in managing valuables that do not belong to us... that belong to him. Are you passing the test or failing? If you fail, you are irresponsible in managing the little things, thus He cannot entrust heavenly treasures and blessings to you.
In a very emotional tone, He said that for all He does for us, the least we could do is to cheat Him and that where there is love there are sacrifices.
“If you’re ready to love, be ready to sacrifice, however, the joy of the consequence of the sacrifice cannot be compared to the sacrifice in itself”.
Whenever one hears there’s been a robbery and even when a thief steals your possessions, how do you feel? Take a look at how the mob attacks a thief…we see robbery as a serious crime and something to frown at, yet we rob God of His own property. “Will a man rob or defraud God? Yet you rob and defraud Me. But you say, in what way do we rob or defraud You? [You have withheld your] tithes and offerings”. Malachi 3:8. The Lord uses specific choice of words; he uses “rob” since robbery is actually taking something that does not belong to you.
He made me understand that Tithing is not that of a big deal but Christians are making it seem otherwise. It is not an offering where you can give any amount to Him. Don’t misunderstand Tithing and Offerings. Offerings are willing amounts or treasures you give to Him after deducting your tithe. If your tithe is not an honest amount, it is better to keep it than to give it out. Instructions are to be followed and not to be misconstrued. The income comes from him… it is His, the talents and skills you work with to earn that money comes from him and yet he asks for 10% and tells you to keep a 90%, isn’t He being generous?
Then he took me into a church room “bring all the tithes into the storehouse that there may be food in My house…” obviously where we pay tithes is the House of God which is the Church. He made two distinctions of this scene; the tithes is food for the church as a building which is best understood by the leaders of the church, and that every church has his unique way of feeding the church (as in the building), It could be in the form of funding the preaching of the word of God, supporting the needy and the like, but it looked like they are all following the same pattern. Then comes the other part of the church which is the body… tithes helps the body to grow… the spiritual body. I didn’t understand it but as I meditated on it, I had this insight; let us take a look at a farmer. He practically lives on those small seeds he plants in the soil, without sowing he cannot reap. I’m making reference to the GIGO principle (Garbage In, Garbage Out). In today’s world, money is used for everything and God in His own wisdom knowing money is necessary to survive on earth, He tells us to give Him a part of His money so He gives it back to us in immeasurable measures. He is not foolish and His Word is life and is true, meaning every word in the Holy Book. The tithe that is meant for God eventually becomes ours because he uses it for our own gain, to build us up, to shape our finances, to bless us that there may not be room enough to receive it, and to rebuke the devourer for our sakes. I don’t know about you but if I have this assurance from a God who’s held me up and kept me till now, I wouldn’t think twice in obeying such a simple principle.
The last scene was when I was praying and crying in my room the night before I slept. He made this clear: being a Christian and a believer does not guarantee a problem-free life… we will be persecuted in several ways and the only tool is our faith. Any man without faith in God and His Word is dead. He knows we love Him and need Him… we say it… we sing it, yet when he creates an environment where we will need him, we cry and complain… we are so human! I looked at myself and laughed. How silly I’d been. Then I smiled and said ‘Thank you’.
Tithing is a test of our faith, financial management and obedience in God. The money and everything is for the Lord (Haggai 2:8amp “the silver is Mine and the gold is Mine, says the Lord of hosts”) and He has more than money can purchase. He doesn’t need money for anything. It comes back to us in an enormous increase anyway. It is not about how much you give. My 50p tithe could show my faithfulness and obedience to God than the GHC5 tithe you forgot to pay last week so added GHC5 to it. Who are you deceiving? If you want to give more to Him, it’s in your offering but give Him his part of the money. It is His. Luke 6:38Amp says “give, and [gifts] will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will they pour into [the pouch formed by] the bosom [of your robe and used as a bag]. For with the measure you deal out [with the measure you use when you confer benefits on others], it will be measured back to you”.
I woke up and realized I just had an answer to my questions. What else was all that for?
I know you want me to confide in you, telling you my worries, my pain, my joys, excitement even pouring out my anger and frustration. But do you feel what i feel or you feel pouring out my emotions makes me feel you actually know what i feel, feel what i feel and share in my sentiments? Now, i really want to tell you what i feel. You don't need to react with words cos your actions speak more than a thousand words, or would you pretend to feel what i feel? Do i even know what i feel? Wait! I think i do. It's my emotions and i think it's gonna burst and explode my whole being. How would that make me look? OMG! I get it... It's my PASSION. It's slowly eating me up. I can't cease to get hold of myself... can't cease to have enough of what i love... can't cease to have enough of... enough of...
I find myself doing only what i love paying less or no attention to the rest (hmmm what the heart wants) although they're necessary. My passion's become my poison and is slowly eating me up and i don't know what to do. Do you feel what i feel? How can i live without my passion? It's like living without love. No! I can't live this way... I couldn't deal with it. Can you put yourself in my shoes? I guess it wouldn't fit, right? You don't feel what i feel after all, do you? But do you want to feel what i feel? Then listen; my passion is my world and my world has turned against me. My love for people has actually made me take steps that, for some reason, i can't tell how, have come to hurt those i love, and eventually myself. My love for art is sinking so deep replacing essential and equally important activities in my life. My quest for excellence and intelligence has driven friends away from me. Did they even love me? They could've at least bared it but maybe i was too blind to see. My heart for preferences has turned me against other options... Yes there are pros and cons to everything under the sun but little did i expect to feel this way. Do you feel what i feel? Are emotions to be understood or felt? Is the language of the heart meant for the heart or for the mind? Can i confide in you or you suggest i get a book that'll feel what i feel by the ink?
I just poured out my emotions... I just poured out how i feel. Look at you... What are you thinking of? Now do you actually feel the connection, or you understand the feeling? Thanks for trying my shoes on even though they don't fit. I bet yours don't fit mine either...
